When last we left our heroine, she had wrapped up her life in the Enchanted Forest of Oakland to ride off into the sunset with her beloved, Señor Weirdo. Alright kids, what do we say when we hear a story about two lovers riding off together into the sunset? And they lived happily ever after! Very good. That’s right, class. That’s what we used to say…
As Señor Weirdo and Little Bunny approached the edge of the Enchanted Forest of Oakland, a Giant Caterpillar appeared suddenly in front of them. Bunny was barely able to screech her chariot to a stop as she secretly hoped that someone had spiked her kombucha with LSD. A Giant Caterpillar? I mean, this is text book psychedelic fairy tale stuff here.
“Halt there! Where d’ya think y’all’re goin’?” thundered the Giant Caterpillar, rayguns drawn and set to blazing.
“Uh, du-uh-uh-uh, Mister Giant Caterpillar. Don’t you see we’re two reunited lovers riding off into the sunset together on our way to live happily ever after? Who are you to stand in the way of such literary love?” Bunny retorted, cheeks turning red with rabbit fury.
“Oh-ho-ho! Not so fast, you two. I’m a field agent with the Bureau of Fairy Tales… ahem, that’s Sergeant Giant Caterpillar to you, little lady. And we’re fresh out of happily ever after.” said Sgt. Giant Caterpillar, flashing his badge.
“You’re out of happily ever after?!” Sr. Weirdo and Bunny exclaimed in unison.
Sucking up the hot yellow fire in her belly, Bunny let the officer have it. “Yeah, right, Sarge. And it’s Little Bunny, not little lady! Anyway, me and Weirdo here are top notch storytellers, how come we never heard anything about this? I mean, shouldn’t the pencilnecks and paperpushers at the Bureau have sent a memo out or something? Just last week I riveted a rambunctious rabble of imps with a yarn that ended with happily ever after. Where were you to ruin all my fun then, Sarge?”
“Tell all the tall tales you like, Little Miss Bunny. That’s not my department. I’m here to enforce the ban on storymakers, heroes and heroines, like yourselves. See, a growing number of the common folk complained to the Great Fairy Tale Council that Happily Ever After was ruining their lives. They said that their children were growing up with the wrong kind of magical thinking in their little heads. Now not all magical thinking is bad. Giant talking caterpillar sergeants, mythic bunny-human hybrids, and Jewish Mexicans…those are real magic beings, as we can all see clearly right here-n-now. But believing that once you find your partner in life that the two of you will just live happily ever after is a big fat lie that encourages folks to be lazy. In short, it inspires folks to stop living the life of adventure once they partner up. So the Great Fairy Tale Council agreed in a 7-2 vote to abolish happily ever after.”
“Lemme get this straight, Sarge. The Council banned happiness and you’re here to rob fun-loving mythical creatures like ourselves of it? Sounds like the Bureau’s got a public relations nightmare brewing. Whaddaya gonna do? Give us a citation? Do it! Go ahead. In fact, I insist you cite us AND arrest us!” cried Bunny, now hopping mad. Weirdo sank his head down into his collar and tipped the brim of his Zorro hat forward, wishing his woman would take a breath and not get them arrested. He then sighed and removed his hat to his heart as he looked to heaven. This revealed the yarmulke he always wore below his hero hat. Weirdo bowed his head in a desperate, yet resigned prayer, which he ended by crossing himself like a Catholic.
Meanwhile Sgt. Caterpillar was not amused with Little Bunny’s rantings, but he had heard the other uniforms talk of her passionate explosions nearly every week back at the station. In truth, it was more of a pain to lock her up and have to listen to her caterwauling all night from her cell not far from his desk. Besides, he didn’t need any distractions once he logged in as Sheriff Take No Prisoners to online Texas Hold ‘Em poker later in his shift. “Nooo, Miss Bunny. There’s no need now to blow your top. Just slow down a minute here, little lady. I’m here to enforce the law which says that any couple found trying to escape to happily ever after shall be immediately given an adventurous challenge by the Oracle. So, I’d like you and Señor Weirdo to hang tight for just a moment while I radio this in.”
“Geez Louise!” raged Little Bunny, angrily stomping to and fro. “Who does this blustery blowhard think he is? Doesn’t he know what we had to go through to get to this moment? Doesn’t he know how long I’ve waited for happily ever after?”
Señor Weirdo looked at his lady with eyes spilling over with love. He adored her brave, passionate heart, but she was gonna kill herself one of these days if she didn’t learn how to have a longer fuse. “I know BunnyLove. I know, “ he said gently while taking her hands. “It hasn’t been easy to find each other again. But look! You love telling a good story, and happily ever after is, well, boring. Just think of this new adventure together as another chapter in the epic tale you love to tell about us.”
After a few moments of Sgt. Caterpillar squawking into his little squawkbox, he turned to Little Bunny and Señor Weirdo with a somber face. “I’m real sorry to do this to you folks. You seem like a nice couple of kids who love each other dearly. But your fate is clear and somebody’s gotta enforce it. Señor, you’ve been summoned to slay dragons down on the Flooded Mesa of the Golden Eagle. These dragons are threatening to steal all the stories of that land and keep them for themselves. The children need you fight to keep the stories free for everyone, they’re counting on you.”
“It is an honor to be chosen for such an important task in my homeland. Without these stories, the imaginations of children might shrivel up and die. I accept this challenge wholeheartedly and humbly,” intoned our brave hero, Señor Weirdo.
“Yeah, totally. And I’ll help! I love stories. I can slay dragons. I even like the Flooded Mesa, though it is a bit stinky out at the teleporter landing station.” Bunny added excitedly.
Sgt. Caterpillar’s gaze fell to the forest floor. “Whelp, I’d like to let you go with him, Miss Bunny, really I would. I do believe in love and have a Mrs. Caterpillar of my own at home. But the Oracle was clear. You are to be sent to the Magic Desert by the Sea of the Spirits to await further instructions from the spirits of that land.”
Bunny’s little pink heart split in two. “Are you serious? Okay, look, I get that people feel lied to about the happily ever after bit. Frankly, it’s a lazy way to end a story. Another adventure means another story, and boy do we love stories! But you’re saying that we can’t even go together on this next adventure?! Doesn’t the Oracle know that we just spent the last few years on separate adventures and now we’ve finally reunited? This isn’t fair!”
Sgt. Caterpillar sighed, his heart heavy. “Ma’am, honestly, the Oracle knows everything. That’s why she’s the Oracle. It’s not for my little larval brain to question her edicts.”
Fury began to boil in Bunny’s belly. She fantasized about jumping up and slamming that stupid caterpillar cop with her strong bunny hindlegs into next week. But Weirdo saw that she was about to explode again, and he pulled her close. “Lookit, Little Bunny, we’ve got every right to be disappointed. After all this time, we just found each other again and now we’re called off in different directions. But remember the other night in the woods? Remember I told you that I don’t think life will be happily ever after for us and that I’m happy just to be with you, no matter what life brings us?”
“Yeah, but we won’t even be together!” Bunny pouted.
“Not just yet. Not in person anyway. But that’s not the whole truth,” whispered Weirdo, his eyes turning bright. “You and I are always together, you are inside of my heart, and I’m inside of yours, just as we always have been since the moment we met. At least, that’s what the Stars of the Desert told me way back then. Remember?”
Bunny’s gaze caught Weirdo’s, her eyes glimmering back at his. “I remember the story of the Stars of the Desert. Stars are indeed wise. Fine. I don’t like that we won’t be together yet, but I’ll accept it and take on my challenge by the Sea of the Spirits,” said Bunny, straightening up her stance.
“And you won’t let your disappointment ruin your pretty face?”
“Yes! Fine! Grrrr. I won’t let my disappointment ruin my pretty face.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
And with that Little Bunny and Señor Weirdo disappeared from the edge of the Enchanted Forest of Oakland in a big-bright-brilliant-flash-of-light, off to their solo adventures in lands far away.
Outro: Nina Simone – Love Me or Leave Me
Continue reading Little Bunny’s Epic Adventure here…